Time of My Life ~ Practicing Freestyle Rap

Hard to write a song

that ain't been sung before

people interrupting

knocking at my door

don't wanna be rich

but tired of being poor

think something's totally rad

but it's been had before

wanna get drunk

but that was a dead end door

too high to get dunked

in a funky gore

spit on my hands

but can't climb 

up a rope no more

think on demand

but cut the cord

couldn't afford

cable's high score,

~~~

Ain't able to flex pay

my way through life,

created strife,

bills too thick

to cut with a knife,

wanna take flight

but too uptight

to flow to the right,

so I'm left carryin' a load

of strife and misery,

gotta be free

or it don't cope with me,

see what a mess it be

when I don't listen to the right people,

got doped wrong at the church steeple,

shoulda went home instead took flight

with strangers in the night who raped,

now nobody left to appreciate me

but the best of my friends

who are blessed to the end of the line,

even though they ain't got caught up 

to my rhyme in life,

which has gotta be close

to the best time I've hiked,

just need to float,

the rest of the journey's downhill,

but need a lifeguard

so I don't take a spill

on the rapids.

~~~

©  M. Sue Kearney  11/25/2019

 

Smokin'

So, Ima not jokin' just a little bit smokin' 

embarrassed myself so my cheeks are red

gotta passion for writin' and my cats are bitin'

cause I'm glued to my PC and my eyes are dead

Too busy writing to move my head

seems I'm sitting on a bucketful of lead

*

Got a hopping disposition and an upright position

on matters that meant a lot to me.

Gotta a habit of wishing, too hyper for fishing

excellent at shit dishing on the people who see,

a whole lotta subjects, different from me

seems I'm pretty liberal but a Democrat too

Just shut up about it because, I won't argue with you

*

No, I won't discuss politics can't argue with lunatics

same thing with religious sticks with a pew up their butts

No butts about it, if it means a lot I'll shout it,

but I do it in rhyme and try keep it clear

hate rash distractions so my door is attached and

I turn the phone bell off while I sleep.

*

Got too many hobbies not enough time to lobby

spend a lotta time writing it's just more exciting

than what I normally do

got Google in one hand and a cig in the other

please don't tell my brother cos he'll try to smother 

he's kinda bent like the others and 

tries to tell me what to chose

*
© MSK Oct. 14, 2019

Wrapped Up My Life in Rhyme, it's got a Rap kinda beat. Can't write music notes & other sweet stuff.

Gotta

cervical 

dystonia

that's crampin' 

my style 

just a little

too shaky 

 to drive 

for awhile.

Got a 

little too 

anxious

was afraid 

I'd wreck 

and it would

 hurt my smile.

*

I'm a 

Bipolar too

got some moods 

that like

to swing

glad they're 

having fun 

cause it's 

nothing 

to sing.

I quit work, 

I quit living.

I was 

much too 

forgiving, 

so I finally 

left the ring;

the kind of 

men I was 

used to 

gave me sorrows, 

gave me strife. 

So I,

recreated 

my whole life

love my cats, 

love to write, 

there's no need 

to be 

treated 

like a

doormat wife.

***

It's like,

overnight 

a dead poet

moved into 

my rafters

Left a message 

for me 

and a whole 

new chapter,

Got some sense 

up my sleeves

and I'm a little 

bit raptured,

reelin' left and 

fallin' right 

cause my  

heart's been 

captured.

*

Don't think 

I'm crazy, 

I'm a little too 

structured,

hoping my 

hiatal hernia 

don't rupture 

cause I 

gotta dream

and I wanna 

make it come true

*

Gotta 

rhyming thing 

with a word 

association, 

seems like

I've turned into 

a rhyming creation,

Maybe 

I'll move 

to a 

rhyming 
new nation 

where I

can stay cool.

* 

Not foolin',

it wasn't 

my notion 

to transform 

overnight 

into a 

 rhyming 

machine, 

but for me, 

it's like a 

dream come true. 

*

Took a 

rhyming 

vacation

 while sleepin' 

sound hours,

now I'm 

rhyming 

wit and reason 

all over

the flowers.

Won't stop,

cause it seems 

like I love 

this vocation 

need some 

brand new caps 

on my 

yellow old teeth.

*

Channeling 

a dead poet 

was my first 

notion

cause I don't

freestyle

on this side

of the ocean

Got a breeze 

in the window

and cats on my bed.

Can't see 

if there's some 

dead poet stuck

inside my head!

*

Neuro-

plas-ti

ci-ty 

is when your 

brain is rewired,

caught a ride

to some

grey cells and

they're not fried.

It's like 

a new 

property 

has moved 

into my head,

*

Got up, 

to have a 

cup of 

coffee 

and started

writing instead.

Wound down

with a 

lemon drink

so I'm

gonna chill 

on a

black daybed; 

gotta full 

metal bed

in a room 

full of junk 

but there 

just ain't 

room there 

for me to bunk.

*

That five 

o'clock somewhere 

is now 

5 am here

wrote off and on 

for two hours,

and no,

 it's not time 

for a beer,

it's time for 

instant coffee 

which I can 

drink slow, 

 don't need 

no flours 

but got some

cookies 

to go... 

***

© MSK Oct. 10, 2019

~~~

(It's after 2pm and I've been composing and editing off and on for quite awhile. Forgot to mention my Cervical Dystonia and Bipolar 1, so I backed up, and added more lines. Still not satisfied, but that's typical for me. I also have a little OCD. I'm adept at editing my own work, too bad I'm terrible at editing out some of the clutter in my home. lol Finally finished that coffee, made another, finally ate my chocolate chip/pecan cookies and took my meds, also had to stop to feed all the cats,  both the indoor and the feral ones. lol)

Down a rabbit hole & through a mirror ~ My Slightly Scary Experiences While Manic

So, this Dystonia thing, it's a pain in the neck, literally. It prevents me from going anywhere without hitching a ride from a friend, taxi or my small town's local bus service. Otherwise, I'm at a pleasant plateau in my life. My ability to focus and write well has been restored by the addition of much needed vitamin supplements and meds, thanks to the combined efforts of the mental health workers, hospital employees, doctors, and also, several police officers who came to my assistance and also gave me transportation during a recent mental breakdown (manic episode. 

*

I had escalated into a full blown manic episode. Already kind of hyper, I had recently stopped taking my bipolar meds. Thought I'd be okay if I ate right and kept taking a Vitamin D3 supplement. Wrong! The stress of dealing with the newly acquired symptoms of Cervical Dystonia,  and a side effect of a newer med I had been put on, along with the fact that I had an undiagnosed, severe UTI, pushed my mood upward until I was delusional. I was also hallucinating like I never had before. Years ago, during several LSD trips I had in the late 60s, I had hallucinated running colors and stuff, but these new hallucinations were different. Apparently my delusional mind had turned my cats into  three oddly dressed, extremely short beings who appeared to be wearing costumes. I began talking to them, even fussing at them, accusing them of being rude for not speaking to me. Thank God no auditory hallucinations accompanied the visual ones. Lord only knows what those beings would have said to me. I'm laughing out loud at the moment, it tickles my funny bone now. Years of dealing with symptoms of Bipolar l have warped my sense of humor. 

*
That night, while I was hallucinating, it was scarily real to me. I was freaking out and called the local police. I told then there were strangers in my house that refused to leave. The officer that responded to the call kindly ushered me through my home assuring me that there were no people in my home. I do recall explaining to him about the Cervical Dystonia that was causing my head to 'wag' rapidly. Didn't want him to think I was drunk or on drugs. A certain amount of reality was intertwined with my delusions and the hallucinations. Enough that I wanted him to know I was of a sound mind. You see, when you're that manic you don't realize it, it's as real to you as though you were asleep and having a dream. Indeed, it's as though part of your brain was dreaming while you were awake. Much like Alice's experiences while dreaming in the stories Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, your brain produces images that piece together to create stories during your dreams. During delusions it's very similar. I used to have a lot of religious delusions due to having been brought up in the Catholic faith. I also attended Baptist churches off and on as an adult. Now I'm not a big fan of organized religion, but after periods of Atheist like views, I'm standing firm on spiritual ground. Someone outside of this earthly realm is watching over me. I believe it's God and my Guardian Angels. 

*
My cats always hide at first when unknown people visit me so they would have hid while the police officer was in my home and reappeared when he left. That's why I assume it was actually my kitties whose physical appearance had been changed by the hallucinations. I didn't see the hallucinations, or my cats, while the police officer was there. As soon as the Cop left the hallucinations reappeared. Come to think of it, I don't recall seeing my cats at all, guess I assumed at the time that they had hid from the 'unwanted visitors' that were in my house. It upset me that the beings wouldn't leave when I told them to so I left and slowly exited my driveway in my car with the headlights off so they wouldn't follow me. The street lights shone bright enough so I could see, after pulling onto the road I switched on my headlights. I remember being upset because I had left my cats in the house with the 'people' who were in my home. I only had two pet carriers, a plastic one and a flimsy cloth one, it would have been a struggle to get three cats from the house to my car. As you read on you will see why I'm now glad I left the cats home. (Just remembered something, my neighbors/friends go to bed around 10pm, I recall thinking that I couldn't go over to their house because it was a little after 10 and their lights were all off.) 

*

When the visitors wouldn't leave I called the police again, the same officer came and he again patiently escorted me through my home while assuring me there was no one else there besides him and me. It was after that that I left the house. I normally don't drive at night, the headlights on my older car aren't the brightest and I have cataracts that dim my vision some. I can see well enough during the daytime but not so good in the dark.

*
I drove around the neighborhood slowly looking for the police officer, wanted to tell him the visitors were back. I ended up in an area that was unfamiliar to me and got totally lost. The line between reality and delusion is a slippery one for someone like me. I was in touch enough with reality enough to drive a car and search for street signs in the darkness, but still delusional enough to believe I had really seen unwanted visitors in my home. I stayed that way until I was put on anti-psychotic meds after being hospitalized.

*
Pretty sure it was pushing on midnight when I finally found myself in a familiar looking area. By then I had driven far enough on darkened back roads to have entered another county. While turning onto a street that I was certain led in the direction of my home, a police car suddenly appeared behind me with the flashing lights on. I pulled over when I thought I safely could and an officer approached my car. Long story short, he was certain I was drunk. He said I tried to hit him with my car. I don't recall even seeing him before he pulled up behind my car with his flashing lights on. I had been peering around as I made sure I had turned onto the road I thought I had.
*

Other police cars showed up. Apparently it was time for their shift change, I remember someone mentioning it. My memories of the rest of that night are somewhat vague. I recall doing the breathalyzer test, and I stumbled while trying to walk a straight line. Cervical Dystonia affects your balance, with your neck muscles spasming your head 'wags' a lot. That in turn causes you to easily lose balance. To someone not familiar with the illness, and who didn't know me, I would have appeared to have been drunk. (Honestly, the last time I drank an alcoholic beverage was about 2 or 3 years ago. I was making weak mixed drinks which contained a little gin, Mountain Dew, lime juice, tonic water and ice. While I drank my car stayed parked. Got tired of people stopping by just because they wanted to drink with me, because they liked getting drunk. I preferred keeping my wits about me. I quit buying gin, and then quit buying Mountain Dew cause pop/soda is not a healthy drink.)

*
I like being able to drive, didn't get my driver's license until '93, a year after moving to a different state and a rural area where there was no public transportation. After the head wagging got worse I became afraid to drive. Sometimes my neck muscles pull my head toward my left shoulder. You can't safely drive if you're unable to see to the left and right of the road ahead. I quit driving voluntarily back in July. I was only driving short distances, like to the local stores and the mental health clinic, but you don't have to be far from home to have an accident and I was a nervous wreck when I drove so I quit. Need to go out and start the car once in awhile to keep the gears and stuff lubed up. Someone pointed that out to me recently. I had told them I wouldn't drive until the neurologist increased the medicine for my cervical dystonia, that's if it would stop the neck spasms for a long enough period each day. They may eventually give me Botox shots in the neck, that's if my insurances will pay for it. Or I may decide to get rid of my car, I kind of like being chauffeured around. The money I'm still spending on car insurance could be used to pay for transportation which would take some of the strain off of my budget. Then maybe I could save up and get my eyes taken care of, new bifocals, and, cataract surgery if it's needed now.

*

Back to the 'crazy' night, I can't remember being driven somewhere by the police officer but I recall being fingerprinted and I recall being in the ER of a hospital, I was hallucinating there too, the coat I had brought with me 'came alive'. Can't remember if I talked to it or not. lol Sometime later, during the daytime, a town policer from my own town drove to another hospital in the opposite direction from my home. That first Cop may have saved my life because had he not pulled me over who knows what could have happened to me.
*
About $600 (Fortunately insurance paid for most of it.) worth of blood-work later, and after several hospitalizations in a row, I was on my way to being back on track. I was found to have vitamin and iron deficiencies and a severe UTI (urinary tract infection). I was put on anti-psychotic meds to stabilize my moods, which is kind of ironic, because they say it was the aftereffects of a certain anti-psychotic drug which caused the brain damage that brought my cervical dystonia into being. The drug had been given to me by doctors years ago during a major manic episode. I probably should look into whether I can sue the doctors/institution who gave it to me but it's been so long ago that I doubt I'd have a valid case. 
*
Sigh, would be nice though, to pay off some debts and buy a newer home that has up to date wiring, plumbing that doesn't leak off and on, and a roof that doesn't leak. A big front porch would be super great, and it would be nice to have a level yard with a patio or deck behind the house, or even better, a screened in back porch or deck so my indoor cats could sit outside with me. Claw proof screen wire would be a big help too, if there is such a thing. lol Since I'm daydreaming here, might as well throw in a gas fireplace flanked by bookshelves. A large kitchen with an island and plenty of cabinet space would be a welcome change, as would lots of closet space for coats, clothes and cleaning things such as the new vacuum cleaner I need and brooms and stuff. I'm not picky, I just long for a better home than the one I live in now. I like my furniture and décor, but knowing me, I'd end up purchasing some new pieces. 

*

I'm glad that I have a home, even if it's a money pit of a house. So many people are homeless and can't even afford to rent a room or apartment. Makes me feel selfish to think about it. I really am blessed, and I'm thankful for the things I do have. I may not be eating the foods I'd like to have, like steak and seafood, but at least I have food while so many others don't. At 16, while running away from home, I had a taste of what it's like to be homeless. To bum spare change off of people and only have a quarter and a growling tummy at the end of a long day. Back then you could buy a bowl of French fries with gravy for 25 cents so that's what I would eat the next day. A far cry from mom's home cooked meals, but then, mom and I hadn't been getting along too well (an understatement) so at least I was able to eat in peace. 😁

*

Time to wrap this up. There were several interruptions so it took longer to compose and edit than it should have. Hoping I explained things well enough, being "crazy isn't all it's cracked up to be", I wanted to give an idea of what I've actually experienced. Early on I used to have major anxiety off and on during manic episodes. During this last one I seemed to find a lot of things funny, even the Cop pulling me over for drunk driving while I was stone cold sober. Afraid it made him a bit mad because I was in such a jovial mood, normally, I wouldn't respond to an incident like that in a funny way, I'd be anxious and nervous about being pulled over. Truth be known, I've never had a ticket and only got pulled over a couple times when coming up on normal traffic checks. Not bragging, not saying I've never broken a traffic law. It's just that I was lucky and never got caught the times my foot got a little too heavy on the gas. 😉

*

Catch cha later, drive safe and stay cool! MS

Egor the Crow ~ My Alter Ego

In the corner of my somewhat cluttered living room is an old birdcage stand and cage. Egor lives there, along with three battery operated candles. Cause, you know, crows like shiny things. ;) (see photos below post) Egor is a crow, a stuffed crow, but he comes alive and talks. The scrappy little joker was found hanging out at a local Dollar Tree several Halloweens ago. I instantly envisioned him perched upon a pile of dusty, old books next to a decaying human skull so one of his first residences was on the console table that's located near the front door in my dining room/foyer/mudroom. He stood on a pile of old books next to a not so sinister looking plastic skull which had also been purchased at the Dollar Tree. Egor began talking recently, the skull never did. Because, you know, skulls don't speak to you because they're dead, well, unless you're a forensic scientist and you're attempting to determine the cause of some one's sudden demise. Then they have plenty to say. Yeah, I'm a few true crime shows short of being an expert armchair detective, they appeal to the dark side of my nature, as do crows and decrepit, old skulls. I'm also a big fan of Vincent Price and Edgar Alan Poe, and always loved haunted house movies and stories and other spooky movies and tales, Hence the pseudonym, Melancholy Specter. I used to get depressed a lot and I love ghost stories. :)

*

When I named Egor the term 'alter ego' hadn't entered my mind yet. I just loved him because he reminded me of the raven in Poe's poem of the same name. Briefly, the faint cry of "nevermore" seemed to escape from the crow's lips, um, beak. Afterward, he was silent, until recently that is, then his utterances became loud protests while confined in the safety of a black wire waste basket I purchased recently from Dollar Tree. I had been removing the cobwebs and accumulated dust from his habitat so I shoved him under the basket, cause, you know, I have cats and cats like to play with and chew on feathered things. They prefer them to be alive, but, you know, any bird on the fly will do in a pinch. Egor would be easy prey, a defenseless sitting duck, so to speak. (Don't tell him I called him a sitting duck, he would feel highly insulted.) 

*

Suddenly, loud cries began coming from the vicinity of the dining room table. 

"Son of a finch, I'm in a holding cell! Help, help, I've been busted and I can't get out! Send bail money, call my attorney, helpppppp! 

The furious outburst continued on for several moments, and then he quieted down as I continued on with my long neglected chores. Due to health problems and depression my home had come to resemble a cross between the Munster's' creepy old house and Sanford and Sons' junkyard and home. If you're young Google it, those are old TV shows I used to watch, you know, back in the day, not pre-Civil War days, but still, a long, long time ago, before I was diagnosed as having Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder), during a less complicated time of my life. More recently I've been binge watching the Addams Family. shortly after the neurologist agreed with my diagnosis of Cervical Dystonia (See my About Me, the tab is above my post.) I discovered that Pluto TV had added an Addams Family channel. Still a great show despite being in black and white, I love the humor and simpler special effects. Back then comedy was 'cleaner, it didn't depend on a tirade of cuss words in order to be funny. It's a refreshing change from some of the stuff I've watched in more recent years. My sense of humor can get a little raunchy though. Egor (Who is my Alter Ego), and his antics, reflect the lighter aspects of my dark side.

*

Later on, during the evening on the day of Egor's protests from the 'holding cell', he unexpectedly began ranting as the spasms from the cervical dystonia caused my head to thrash about on a pillow while I tried to relax and fall asleep.

"Hey, who turned out the lights? Turn the TV down, I'm trying to  get some shut eye! Hey, Shaky Lady, can I come out and play? I'm not a bit sleepy and I'm feeling restless."

"Shut up, Egor", I replied, "I'm trying to sleep!"

"No, no," he chirped a his raspy voice, lets play. I like to sing, how 'bout we do some Carol Channing? 

So, Egor and I made up a little skit consisting of him singing a line from 'Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend' and me doing the next line with my not so great impersonation of Carol singing the lyrics "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" through gritted teeth in my deeper voice that's been honed by years of smoking cigarettes. Can't recall what his line was, I'm terrible at remembering song lyrics. 

*

Not long after our conversation I finally fell asleep and the next morning awoke with what I thought was a bright idea. Mentioned it to Egor and he concurred. Egor could be my puppet and we could make videos for YouTube. Around that same time period I had begun doing dancercises in order to get in shape, and, hopefully, improve my balance and the muscle spasms in my neck. Came up with the idea that I could do videos of myself doing the dance/exercise routine. Tried to do a video of my antics with my newest cell phone, just a Samsung with TracFone minutes, but wasn't very successful on the first try and haven't tried again, yet. Would be nice if I could afford a video camera similar to the ones used by my favorite YouTubers, maybe I could get one after my cell phone and Instant Pot are paid for. Yeah, I ordered an electric pressure cooker, I like things to cook quickly. My ex-boyfriend used to call me "torch". I'm no 'Martha Stewart' when it comes to cooking, I have been known to scorch rather than saute. Bipolar impatience, don't cha know. :D

*

Made some notes on sketches Egor and I could do. Read them to a friend and someone else, maybe my brother? They laughed at the jokey dialogue and gave me encouragement. After that I had my first appointment with the neurologist and started the new medicine for the cervical dystonia, plus the weather warmed up, again, and my flow of ideas, and my catching up on chores, slowed down. Heat and humidity are not my best friends, I tend to get sluggish and often park my butt on the daybed which is close to the ceiling fan. I bought stand fans several years ago but they tend to make a racket that gets on my nerves, especially when trying to sleep. When placed near a window at night one can perfume my home quickly with the pungent odors of a passing skunk. Actually, the ceiling fan can achieve the same effect but in a quieter manner. Soooo not fun to find upon waking that you smell as though you just mated with a skunk. :P Blech!!!

*

"Get off of the computer, you've got chores to do!"

Nag, nag, nag, sometimes Egor sounds like my ex-boyfriends. He doesn't miss a thing and is quick to criticize my behaviors. My cats are much easier to please, as long as their food bowls are kept full, and the litter pans fairly clean, they don't go all judgmental on me. Hmm, of course they're females and he's a male, could that be why? Or, maybe cats are easier to please than crows. Some things to ponder on for awhile, so, until I return here to write again, guess I better get busy working. If you managed to read this far, thanks for hanging in there. Hope you enjoyed reading about Egor, my alter ego. Catch you on the flip side, my friends! Have a great day!

Photos taken soon after I moved Egor into his home

I'm backkkkkk....

Wow, it's been over 3 years since I posted. My other post sounds pretty depressed. I was at the time. Now I'm getting better at bouncing back from minor upsets. If I remember correctly, I was down at that time because of a disagreement with a guy I had a silly crush on. I don't do crushes now, or if I do I keep my mouth shut about it. lol No use having crushes now, not many guys close to my age want someone who has Bipolar l and Cervical Dystonia. (See my "About Me" page for further info on my mental and neurological disorders.) And, at the moment, my life is complicated enough.

*

Too many things going on right now for me to develop any more outside interests. Besides taking care of my 3 indoor cats and feeding the feral cats outside I have 2 kittens that were born to a feral cat who had them under a neighbor's house. The neighbor played with them so they are tame. When I called the Humane Society in the hopes of finding them a home they talked me into entering them in the Catch and Release program they are doing. The feral cats I feed are on their list now, the cats will be trapped, transported to a Veterinarian clinic, spayed or neutered and returned to my neighborhood. This excellent program helps to keep down the numbers of the population of homeless kitties. Some of the older cats I feed were unwanted pets who were discarded by their owners. One died after being hit by a car, she was a deaf cat who was already producing litters. The owners tired of her knocking things off of tables and put her outside. I was feeding one cat outside at the time, she smelled the food and began eating on my front porch too. Then the kittens began showing up, cats are smart and some will teach their offspring not to trust humans. Her kittens would eat the food I set out but they ran from me whenever I went outside. 

*

My indoor cats were just spayed, the Humane Society paid for most of the costs. My cats are two and a half years old.  A Calico and two Tabby mixes. They're my 'kids'. They're not happy about the two kittens being in our house. The kittens are very affectionate. They are 'lap cats'. My cats never liked sleeping on my lap, the kittens do.

*

I've been doing paper crafts and acrylic painting again, writing and catching up on long neglected chores, such as housework. Feeling better now that I'm taking B12, D3, and the meds for the Cervical Dystonia and a new Bipolar medicine, so I'm keeping busy.

*

I need to cut this short, I spent too much time writing today and need to do some chores. Please see my "About Me" page for more info.

Not going to be posting anything here for awhile. Had a major setback and just don't feel up to writing. My previous blog posts have been set to private viewing only. I may post things here in the future or I may not, depends on how bad the future sucks and if I'm still around to write any blog posts.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

 

By Mother Goose