So, this Dystonia thing, it's a pain in the neck, literally. It prevents me from going anywhere without hitching a ride from a friend, taxi or my small town's local bus service. Otherwise, I'm at a pleasant plateau in my life. My ability to focus and write well has been restored by the addition of much needed vitamin supplements and meds, thanks to the combined efforts of the mental health workers, hospital employees, doctors, and also, several police officers who came to my assistance and also gave me transportation during a recent mental breakdown (manic episode.
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I had escalated into a full blown manic episode. Already kind of hyper, I had recently stopped taking my bipolar meds. Thought I'd be okay if I ate right and kept taking a Vitamin D3 supplement. Wrong! The stress of dealing with the newly acquired symptoms of Cervical Dystonia, and a side effect of a newer med I had been put on, along with the fact that I had an undiagnosed, severe UTI, pushed my mood upward until I was delusional. I was also hallucinating like I never had before. Years ago, during several LSD trips I had in the late 60s, I had hallucinated running colors and stuff, but these new hallucinations were different. Apparently my delusional mind had turned my cats into three oddly dressed, extremely short beings who appeared to be wearing costumes. I began talking to them, even fussing at them, accusing them of being rude for not speaking to me. Thank God no auditory hallucinations accompanied the visual ones. Lord only knows what those beings would have said to me. I'm laughing out loud at the moment, it tickles my funny bone now. Years of dealing with symptoms of Bipolar l have warped my sense of humor.
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That night, while I was hallucinating, it was scarily real to me. I was freaking out and called the local police. I told then there were strangers in my house that refused to leave. The officer that responded to the call kindly ushered me through my home assuring me that there were no people in my home. I do recall explaining to him about the Cervical Dystonia that was causing my head to 'wag' rapidly. Didn't want him to think I was drunk or on drugs. A certain amount of reality was intertwined with my delusions and the hallucinations. Enough that I wanted him to know I was of a sound mind. You see, when you're that manic you don't realize it, it's as real to you as though you were asleep and having a dream. Indeed, it's as though part of your brain was dreaming while you were awake. Much like Alice's experiences while dreaming in the stories Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, your brain produces images that piece together to create stories during your dreams. During delusions it's very similar. I used to have a lot of religious delusions due to having been brought up in the Catholic faith. I also attended Baptist churches off and on as an adult. Now I'm not a big fan of organized religion, but after periods of Atheist like views, I'm standing firm on spiritual ground. Someone outside of this earthly realm is watching over me. I believe it's God and my Guardian Angels.
That night, while I was hallucinating, it was scarily real to me. I was freaking out and called the local police. I told then there were strangers in my house that refused to leave. The officer that responded to the call kindly ushered me through my home assuring me that there were no people in my home. I do recall explaining to him about the Cervical Dystonia that was causing my head to 'wag' rapidly. Didn't want him to think I was drunk or on drugs. A certain amount of reality was intertwined with my delusions and the hallucinations. Enough that I wanted him to know I was of a sound mind. You see, when you're that manic you don't realize it, it's as real to you as though you were asleep and having a dream. Indeed, it's as though part of your brain was dreaming while you were awake. Much like Alice's experiences while dreaming in the stories Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, your brain produces images that piece together to create stories during your dreams. During delusions it's very similar. I used to have a lot of religious delusions due to having been brought up in the Catholic faith. I also attended Baptist churches off and on as an adult. Now I'm not a big fan of organized religion, but after periods of Atheist like views, I'm standing firm on spiritual ground. Someone outside of this earthly realm is watching over me. I believe it's God and my Guardian Angels.
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My cats always hide at first when unknown people visit me so they would have hid while the police officer was in my home and reappeared when he left. That's why I assume it was actually my kitties whose physical appearance had been changed by the hallucinations. I didn't see the hallucinations, or my cats, while the police officer was there. As soon as the Cop left the hallucinations reappeared. Come to think of it, I don't recall seeing my cats at all, guess I assumed at the time that they had hid from the 'unwanted visitors' that were in my house. It upset me that the beings wouldn't leave when I told them to so I left and slowly exited my driveway in my car with the headlights off so they wouldn't follow me. The street lights shone bright enough so I could see, after pulling onto the road I switched on my headlights. I remember being upset because I had left my cats in the house with the 'people' who were in my home. I only had two pet carriers, a plastic one and a flimsy cloth one, it would have been a struggle to get three cats from the house to my car. As you read on you will see why I'm now glad I left the cats home. (Just remembered something, my neighbors/friends go to bed around 10pm, I recall thinking that I couldn't go over to their house because it was a little after 10 and their lights were all off.)
My cats always hide at first when unknown people visit me so they would have hid while the police officer was in my home and reappeared when he left. That's why I assume it was actually my kitties whose physical appearance had been changed by the hallucinations. I didn't see the hallucinations, or my cats, while the police officer was there. As soon as the Cop left the hallucinations reappeared. Come to think of it, I don't recall seeing my cats at all, guess I assumed at the time that they had hid from the 'unwanted visitors' that were in my house. It upset me that the beings wouldn't leave when I told them to so I left and slowly exited my driveway in my car with the headlights off so they wouldn't follow me. The street lights shone bright enough so I could see, after pulling onto the road I switched on my headlights. I remember being upset because I had left my cats in the house with the 'people' who were in my home. I only had two pet carriers, a plastic one and a flimsy cloth one, it would have been a struggle to get three cats from the house to my car. As you read on you will see why I'm now glad I left the cats home. (Just remembered something, my neighbors/friends go to bed around 10pm, I recall thinking that I couldn't go over to their house because it was a little after 10 and their lights were all off.)
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When the visitors wouldn't leave I called the police again, the same officer came and he again patiently escorted me through my home while assuring me there was no one else there besides him and me. It was after that that I left the house. I normally don't drive at night, the headlights on my older car aren't the brightest and I have cataracts that dim my vision some. I can see well enough during the daytime but not so good in the dark.
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I drove around the neighborhood slowly looking for the police officer, wanted to tell him the visitors were back. I ended up in an area that was unfamiliar to me and got totally lost. The line between reality and delusion is a slippery one for someone like me. I was in touch enough with reality enough to drive a car and search for street signs in the darkness, but still delusional enough to believe I had really seen unwanted visitors in my home. I stayed that way until I was put on anti-psychotic meds after being hospitalized.
*I drove around the neighborhood slowly looking for the police officer, wanted to tell him the visitors were back. I ended up in an area that was unfamiliar to me and got totally lost. The line between reality and delusion is a slippery one for someone like me. I was in touch enough with reality enough to drive a car and search for street signs in the darkness, but still delusional enough to believe I had really seen unwanted visitors in my home. I stayed that way until I was put on anti-psychotic meds after being hospitalized.
Pretty sure it was pushing on midnight when I finally found myself in a familiar looking area. By then I had driven far enough on darkened back roads to have entered another county. While turning onto a street that I was certain led in the direction of my home, a police car suddenly appeared behind me with the flashing lights on. I pulled over when I thought I safely could and an officer approached my car. Long story short, he was certain I was drunk. He said I tried to hit him with my car. I don't recall even seeing him before he pulled up behind my car with his flashing lights on. I had been peering around as I made sure I had turned onto the road I thought I had.
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Other police cars showed up. Apparently it was time for their shift change, I remember someone mentioning it. My memories of the rest of that night are somewhat vague. I recall doing the breathalyzer test, and I stumbled while trying to walk a straight line. Cervical Dystonia affects your balance, with your neck muscles spasming your head 'wags' a lot. That in turn causes you to easily lose balance. To someone not familiar with the illness, and who didn't know me, I would have appeared to have been drunk. (Honestly, the last time I drank an alcoholic beverage was about 2 or 3 years ago. I was making weak mixed drinks which contained a little gin, Mountain Dew, lime juice, tonic water and ice. While I drank my car stayed parked. Got tired of people stopping by just because they wanted to drink with me, because they liked getting drunk. I preferred keeping my wits about me. I quit buying gin, and then quit buying Mountain Dew cause pop/soda is not a healthy drink.)
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I like being able to drive, didn't get my driver's license until '93, a year after moving to a different state and a rural area where there was no public transportation. After the head wagging got worse I became afraid to drive. Sometimes my neck muscles pull my head toward my left shoulder. You can't safely drive if you're unable to see to the left and right of the road ahead. I quit driving voluntarily back in July. I was only driving short distances, like to the local stores and the mental health clinic, but you don't have to be far from home to have an accident and I was a nervous wreck when I drove so I quit. Need to go out and start the car once in awhile to keep the gears and stuff lubed up. Someone pointed that out to me recently. I had told them I wouldn't drive until the neurologist increased the medicine for my cervical dystonia, that's if it would stop the neck spasms for a long enough period each day. They may eventually give me Botox shots in the neck, that's if my insurances will pay for it. Or I may decide to get rid of my car, I kind of like being chauffeured around. The money I'm still spending on car insurance could be used to pay for transportation which would take some of the strain off of my budget. Then maybe I could save up and get my eyes taken care of, new bifocals, and, cataract surgery if it's needed now.
I like being able to drive, didn't get my driver's license until '93, a year after moving to a different state and a rural area where there was no public transportation. After the head wagging got worse I became afraid to drive. Sometimes my neck muscles pull my head toward my left shoulder. You can't safely drive if you're unable to see to the left and right of the road ahead. I quit driving voluntarily back in July. I was only driving short distances, like to the local stores and the mental health clinic, but you don't have to be far from home to have an accident and I was a nervous wreck when I drove so I quit. Need to go out and start the car once in awhile to keep the gears and stuff lubed up. Someone pointed that out to me recently. I had told them I wouldn't drive until the neurologist increased the medicine for my cervical dystonia, that's if it would stop the neck spasms for a long enough period each day. They may eventually give me Botox shots in the neck, that's if my insurances will pay for it. Or I may decide to get rid of my car, I kind of like being chauffeured around. The money I'm still spending on car insurance could be used to pay for transportation which would take some of the strain off of my budget. Then maybe I could save up and get my eyes taken care of, new bifocals, and, cataract surgery if it's needed now.
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Back to the 'crazy' night, I can't remember being driven somewhere by the police officer but I recall being fingerprinted and I recall being in the ER of a hospital, I was hallucinating there too, the coat I had brought with me 'came alive'. Can't remember if I talked to it or not. lol Sometime later, during the daytime, a town policer from my own town drove to another hospital in the opposite direction from my home. That first Cop may have saved my life because had he not pulled me over who knows what could have happened to me.
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About $600 (Fortunately insurance paid for most of it.) worth of blood-work later, and after several hospitalizations in a row, I was on my way to being back on track. I was found to have vitamin and iron deficiencies and a severe UTI (urinary tract infection). I was put on anti-psychotic meds to stabilize my moods, which is kind of ironic, because they say it was the aftereffects of a certain anti-psychotic drug which caused the brain damage that brought my cervical dystonia into being. The drug had been given to me by doctors years ago during a major manic episode. I probably should look into whether I can sue the doctors/institution who gave it to me but it's been so long ago that I doubt I'd have a valid case.
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Sigh, would be nice though, to pay off some debts and buy a newer home that has up to date wiring, plumbing that doesn't leak off and on, and a roof that doesn't leak. A big front porch would be super great, and it would be nice to have a level yard with a patio or deck behind the house, or even better, a screened in back porch or deck so my indoor cats could sit outside with me. Claw proof screen wire would be a big help too, if there is such a thing. lol Since I'm daydreaming here, might as well throw in a gas fireplace flanked by bookshelves. A large kitchen with an island and plenty of cabinet space would be a welcome change, as would lots of closet space for coats, clothes and cleaning things such as the new vacuum cleaner I need and brooms and stuff. I'm not picky, I just long for a better home than the one I live in now. I like my furniture and décor, but knowing me, I'd end up purchasing some new pieces.
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About $600 (Fortunately insurance paid for most of it.) worth of blood-work later, and after several hospitalizations in a row, I was on my way to being back on track. I was found to have vitamin and iron deficiencies and a severe UTI (urinary tract infection). I was put on anti-psychotic meds to stabilize my moods, which is kind of ironic, because they say it was the aftereffects of a certain anti-psychotic drug which caused the brain damage that brought my cervical dystonia into being. The drug had been given to me by doctors years ago during a major manic episode. I probably should look into whether I can sue the doctors/institution who gave it to me but it's been so long ago that I doubt I'd have a valid case.
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Sigh, would be nice though, to pay off some debts and buy a newer home that has up to date wiring, plumbing that doesn't leak off and on, and a roof that doesn't leak. A big front porch would be super great, and it would be nice to have a level yard with a patio or deck behind the house, or even better, a screened in back porch or deck so my indoor cats could sit outside with me. Claw proof screen wire would be a big help too, if there is such a thing. lol Since I'm daydreaming here, might as well throw in a gas fireplace flanked by bookshelves. A large kitchen with an island and plenty of cabinet space would be a welcome change, as would lots of closet space for coats, clothes and cleaning things such as the new vacuum cleaner I need and brooms and stuff. I'm not picky, I just long for a better home than the one I live in now. I like my furniture and décor, but knowing me, I'd end up purchasing some new pieces.
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I'm glad that I have a home, even if it's a money pit of a house. So many people are homeless and can't even afford to rent a room or apartment. Makes me feel selfish to think about it. I really am blessed, and I'm thankful for the things I do have. I may not be eating the foods I'd like to have, like steak and seafood, but at least I have food while so many others don't. At 16, while running away from home, I had a taste of what it's like to be homeless. To bum spare change off of people and only have a quarter and a growling tummy at the end of a long day. Back then you could buy a bowl of French fries with gravy for 25 cents so that's what I would eat the next day. A far cry from mom's home cooked meals, but then, mom and I hadn't been getting along too well (an understatement) so at least I was able to eat in peace. 😁
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Time to wrap this up. There were several interruptions so it took longer to compose and edit than it should have. Hoping I explained things well enough, being "crazy isn't all it's cracked up to be", I wanted to give an idea of what I've actually experienced. Early on I used to have major anxiety off and on during manic episodes. During this last one I seemed to find a lot of things funny, even the Cop pulling me over for drunk driving while I was stone cold sober. Afraid it made him a bit mad because I was in such a jovial mood, normally, I wouldn't respond to an incident like that in a funny way, I'd be anxious and nervous about being pulled over. Truth be known, I've never had a ticket and only got pulled over a couple times when coming up on normal traffic checks. Not bragging, not saying I've never broken a traffic law. It's just that I was lucky and never got caught the times my foot got a little too heavy on the gas. 😉
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Catch cha later, drive safe and stay cool! MS
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